Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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