girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize