I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
