I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
