I think i peed on brittanys purse
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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