Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize