His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
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