I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Why is your signature on my underwear?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
