Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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