its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
