thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
