Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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