If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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