you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
