Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
