Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
