Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
