goodnight i made you a song goodbye
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
