mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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