i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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