I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
