I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
