Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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