Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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