Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She even gives head with a lisp.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
