I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So much Jack, so little girl.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
