two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
The ass gains better be worth it
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