The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm really busy with my period
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