i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
