Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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