Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
