oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
