You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
