I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Randomize
