it's too hot outside to masturbate.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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