My friends, they love my intelligence
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
