my sisters under your porch take her home
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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