Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
My cat gives me a boner
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
