Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
