Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize