Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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