Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
