Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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