Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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