WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
