i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
