I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
