I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
