Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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