someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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