So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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