Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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