My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
