I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
