Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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