look no pants
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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