I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
