When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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