I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
