he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
