if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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