Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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