Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
