seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
