Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
