You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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