I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
